sábado, 14 de julho de 2018

nights at the tennis courts. all the lights were out we were watching the stars listening to silly songs smoking cigarettes pretending to be cooler than we were. without a care in the world. the school was still the old one with a stage in the common room and the school radio playing. I remember a dance. I remember long talks and wanting to grow up. being 16 was sweet indeed.

quinta-feira, 21 de junho de 2018

never put your faith in a prince. when you require a miracle, trust in a witch.

6:11 - 21:04
dia mais comprido do ano.
começa hoje o Verão.

diário de bordo. 15-20/06

voltar da ilha, ver a minha vida a andar pra trás com tanta turbulência e uma aterragem daquelas. ver a minha vida andar pra trás por voltar a Lisboa. 
estou bem quando não estou aqui.
uma aventura, para dizer o menos. alternando entre estados de aborrecimento e estados de paz. foi estranho, mas soube bem.
tenho pena de sair, mas sinto que há um tempo para tudo e este tempo para São Miguel foi o suficiente.
vêm comigo as aprendizagens. as certezas de algumas mudanças e de alguns finais. daqui, veremos.
veremos.

sábado, 9 de junho de 2018

um dia de primavera. no photos, more words

we run on unpredictability. I can't make decisions. most of the times this is not a nice thing, don't let the "wild and free" myth fool you. hell, most of the times it is the worst. but sometimes good things come out of it, and everything goes better than expected.

car parked in front of the bus station with your bus leaving in five minutes. my head running as always - what if I miss something really cool, what if something bad happens, what if this what if that. you say goodbye and leave the car. wait!! let's go together tomorrow. you come back inside and laugh. my most favorite kind of laugh is probably this one, the I-can't-believe-we-are-doing-this laugh. 

24h later we were in Porto, watching Rhye. I'm glad it rained, I'm glad everything smells so fresh and how surrounded by green we are. I am so tired of all the trash and the grumpiness in Lisboa that Porto feels like such a breath of fresh air. I feel rested, restored, excited. It's unbelievable for the normal folk how many days can one go by without feeling like this (trust me, so many, too many). 

I danced and threw my hands and feet around frantically and got tear-filled eyes with Lorde, I jumped and badly sang along with Tyler. Remembered a night in the outskirts of Tallinn with Jamie XX (you guys smoked and we saw cool music videos on that boy's big computer screen and then you and me walked home. We had met not that long ago. It was raining. Or snowing, I don't remember well anymore). Then I fell asleep on my baby's shoulder while a noisy techno and blinding lights filled the air. Tried not to fall asleep standing for another 40 minutes to let him enjoy the dj he really wanted to see. We went home, I stepped on poop and fell asleep as soon as the lights went out.

we wake up, go for a walk. grey concrete and plants, I love that so much. we say goodbyes, you stay and I come back home because I'm starting to know my limits and how important it is to not ignore them and it's ok to miss some things sometimes. um dia bonito. living a fear-ridden life is a pain in the ass. but sometimes is good to let fear guide you. only sometimes.

domingo, 3 de junho de 2018

(a)social media life

; more and more I've been struggling with social media lately. Instagram is long gone because it was making me more depressed than I would've liked to admit. I still peek a bit on my favorite people but nothing that serious, we're casual now.

And since we're on it, I'd like to take the leap and delete my facebook altogether. Because in reality, if we look at it with "seeing" eyes, it doesn't matter at all. I've been spending most of my awake time for the past 9 years in things that... don't matter. And all the time I could be using to do other things, to actually invest in what I want to do, to actually pursue my interests, is spent there, refreshing and scrolling, even when there's nothing going on. 

The thing is that almost all of my job opportunities came from this place. And it's a platform I depend on to let my work out there as a photographer, to reach people. I just wish I wouldn't BE there so much. Maybe a weekly update would be just fine. Maybe even less. Just thinking about it makes my FOMO kick in, but the truth is most of the things (apart from job related) that I've been doing exactly because of said fomo haven't really been all that enjoyable?
It's still good for my anxiety to make and have plans and really go through with them but I guess doing them because "everyone is going and it seems so cool" is not cutting it for me anymore.

I want to reclaim my time.

I want to actually start watching the movies I add day after day to my to-view list. I want to start actually reading the books I keep buying and filling every solid surface in my house with, I want to start having time to actually... do nothing. Started with deleting most of my friends and unfollowing most of the pages so my feed will soon be filled with nothing more than a tumbleweed here or there just tumbleweeding its way through the emptiness. This has forced me to ask people for their numbers and made me realize how little I've been using my phone as what it is: a phone! I had around 10 numbers there. 2 or 3 friends, work, family, dentist.

But yes, don't think I'm going to be Mrs. Perfect from here on or that this is something definitive. Social media is not the problem, internet is not the problem. The way I use it, is. The way I am addicted to it, is. The way it takes over my life, is. The way it is messing with my head and making me worse than I need to be, definitely is.

I just need to learn how to use it instead of being used by it. Because I've learnt so much here I could never pretend otherwise. I don't think I will ever leave behind the blog or Tumblr, and that is ok, because these two are a kind of platform that enables me to grow and actually discover new things and put them in action. For now, I will try to detach from the ones that have the opposite effect and make a fresh start, start relaxing, taking a step back, doing things with a purpose and avoid to get dragged into this so much.

yes, I. guess that's it.

sábado, 26 de maio de 2018

the earth laughs in flowers

de volta a casa durante um fim-de-semana meio que prolongado. apercebo-me que a cidade já não é para mim. às 6 da manhã, a conduzir de volta a casa; ontem choveu durante horas e por isso agora está um nevoeiro cerrado; sinto-me como se estivesse num sonho, nuvens no chão, o nascer do Sol, os rosas e violetas, a seara dourada e verde, os sobreiros de cores profundas. a vida volta a estar no sítio durante esses 40 minutos de viagem. e se me aparecesses à frente, naquele nevoeiro, naquele sonho - penso para mim. dava tudo para te voltar a ver, mesmo que me proibissem de falar contigo para o resto da vida, ou que esquecesses o que fomos. se estivesses bem, para mim bastava. continuo a tentar aprender a viver. continuo a aprender sobre mim. a lidar com a feiura do mundo, quando custa ainda mais lidar com a sua beleza. 
tudo vai voltar ao sítio, ainda que a um sítio diferente. 
sei que sim.

segunda-feira, 7 de maio de 2018

how many have to die so you can feel loved



o momento certo para o ver chegou durante a primeira chuva de verão. ano de Florence é ano bom.