sexta-feira, 5 de abril de 2019

🐛🌸🐞🌼

Sitting on my bed, eating Ben & Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie, sobbing and pondering whether to buy or not a plane ticket to go to Indonesia with my best friend next Monday. Not sure if I just had an epiphany or a mental breakdown; it's quite hard right now to tell one apart from the other. Gotten out of work one hour later than I should, walked home in the pouring rain. Suddenly I started feeling this thing inside of me, something wanting to come out. You see, the life I want is pretty much not happening. No matter how hard I flinch my eyes and picture it all happening - it simply doesn't. And that hurts like a buttcheek on a stick. So, the feeling of going away, with one of my favorite persons, to forget all the what ifs and could've beens. To just live without thinking too much about it. Man, I just realized I need that more than anything!

I've been reading this book from Clarissa Estés, about the Wild Woman that we all have inside of us and how important she is in our collective experience of this life; the Wild Woman (or whatever you want to call it, you can call it canapé and it still works, as long as the meaning is there) is a gateway to the most sacred part of ourselves, the untouched bits that know us better than we think we know ourselves. This is a connection we need in order to not get lost in the world, to keep afloat, to know who we are deep down and what roots us to this earth. I think what I felt maybe was a sample of who she is, of who I am, of who we can create together if only I  allow myself to do so. And it felt good. It felt powerful and light and gracefully angry and badass. It felt like being free.

Sure I'm still here crying on my bed with a mouthful of ice cream looking like a trainwreck and most probably I won't go to Indonesia in four days (making a passport is not that fast of a process), but now I know shes has not withered like I feared. She is here. Deep under all this pile of shit built from broken dreams, broken trust, depression, anxiety, failed relationships, failed expectations. 

There she is. 
There I am. 
I am here. 
And I am ready to bloom. 
I just have to allow myself.


domingo, 24 de março de 2019

eastbound


I know where I belong, I know I am not there. Maybe this suffocating weight that I feel in my chest is the heaviness that comes with not being home. I miss the East. Heavy, all that could have been, all that almost was, all that I missed just by blinking my eyes for a split second. I'm living borrowed lives, where I don't belong, that are not mine. It gets harder and hazier.

I know where I belong.
I know where I belong.

But maybe I'll never get there.
Pasakyk ar buvo verta tiek laukt?

terça-feira, 12 de março de 2019

ser simples, simplesmente ser

Se antes reinava aqui a confusão, agora cada vez mais a simplicidade vai tomando lugar. Não que já não ande confusa mas há já algum tempo que me fui conformando com as intermitências da vida em vez de lhes questionar o sentido ou lutar contra elas. Baque a baque, a vida vai acontecendo, para o bem e para o mal, e vamos aceitando. Há uma calma triste e agridoce em tudo isto, mas vai servindo para passar as coisas pela peneira e ver separar o importante do que não tem assim tanto peso (ou não deveria ter). 

A simplicidade, o descanso, a família, o amor, o afecto, a paz, a rotina, a calma, o desacelerar, o estimar.

Ficam ali a brilhar e olhar-me de volta com a certeza do lugar que ocupam na minha vida, enquanto tudo o resto cai e se vai indo com a água, rio abaixo. A pouco e pouco o entendimento vai chegando e cimentando o caminho, que só se faz andando. E aprendendo.

domingo, 10 de março de 2019

09 Mar

 
viver as coisas simples, boa comida, boa gente, boa conversa. ser feliz assim. não ter medo.

sexta-feira, 8 de março de 2019

setting things in motion

tentar mexer mais, tentar pôr mais coisas em movimento. cá dentro ainda me sinto muito estática. trabalhar mais o interior é necessário, mas por enquanto continuo a empurrar cá fora. e isso não é mau, é melhor do que nada fazer. temos de começar por algum lado.

terça-feira, 5 de março de 2019

segunda-feira, 4 de março de 2019

Feb. Mar.

February. March. Creating structure. I've always lacked discipline and a sense of commitment in some (most?) areas of my life; even tho I commit to people and relationships very quickly and unapologetically, the same doesn't happen with other things. Simply by hearing the words "6-month contract", my face go all like did-I-just-ate-a-lemon, either we are talking about renting a house or applying for a job. I panic and think "nope I can't, how can I know where my life is gonna be in 6 months? what if I feel like moving to Greece tomorrow, what if my dream job is suddenly available and I'm not, what if what if what if"  (let me tell you, I won't and it won't. in 6 months my life will most probably be exactly in the same place as it is now). 

The problem is that I am enamored with all the endless possibilities of life, to a point where this stops me from actually moving towards one of them - it is really stressing to think I'll never be this or that if I choose to be one other thing; all the opportunities I'm missing, all the me's that will never come to life if I go down this or that road. But that is how life works, we can't actually be everything and  I'm learning that choosing one thing and sticking to it doesn't mean life will stop and we'll never evolve again.  

On the contrary, it has been this fear of committing to a routine that has led me to month after month of not actually doing anything other than indulging in activities I find pleasuring while I wait and work for my big break to come through, always wanting more than what appears on my way, ending up obliviously committing to a routine that was not the healthiest and that took all the fun out of those once pleasurable things because they eventually became all I did.

So, March, April, May (who knows, maybe June, July and August as well) will be months to cultivate structure, discipline, contentment, joy in simple things. Letting go of the pressure of being amazing and grand. Letting go of the illusion of greatness. Deconstructing the idea that I am losing time by doing something a bit simpler which means that now you can find me waitressing at a small cafe in a cute neighborhood (and actually enjoying it!).

And now I'm beginning to learn that compromising doesn't mean I'm giving up on my dream, not at all. It means I am finally investing time in learning how to build a structure before I start setting up the glass dome at the top that will allow me to see that beautiful starry sky, every night.

terça-feira, 19 de fevereiro de 2019